Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear

[Ed Schultz]

Top Ten Things You Don't Want To Hear From The Umpire

10. "You better hit a home run, kid -- I got 50 grand riding on this game."

9. "Strikes are the ones in the middle, right?"

8. "Losing team cleans out my garage."

7. "Bad news, you just got traded to Milwaukee."

6. "Hey, is your mom single?"

5. "If I find out that bat's corked, you're going to prison for a very, very long time."

4. "Does this padding make me look fat?"

3. "Hey, watch it with the foul tips -- I got a fifth of bourbon in my hip pocket."

2. "Gooooooooaaaaaal!"

1. "Let's hurry this up -- I don't want to be here when they find the real umpire."

[Ed Schultz]

Top Ten Signs an Umpire Is Nuts


10. His chest protector has large silicone implants.

9. Cleans home plate with his tongue.

8. The first batter has worked the count up to 46 balls, 29 strikes.

7. Makes own face mask out of bubble wrap and duct tape.

6. Was seen checking into Motel 6 with the Philly Phanatic.

5. Three small and very telling words: wears a cape.

4. Keeps running up to fat guys in the stands and yelling, "Babe Ruth! You're alive!"

3. Insists that "baseball fever" is the cause of that weird rash onhis back

2. Whenever he sees a player adjusting himself, shouts, "Ball two!"

1. Long after game has ended, he's still squatting.

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